Equations
by BennieWaffles
Summary: This will be a series of Ed Sheeran songfics (one/two shots) from his albums Plus and Multiply. Mostly Clace, songs and ships are written by request! Review the song/ship you want next! Trigger warning: drugs, alcohol, self-harm, possible mentions of rape/abuse, sex and some serious heartbreak. RATED M. OOC. Possible OC. AU.
1. Chapter 1

**Bloodstream**

 **A/N:  
This is by far my favourite Ed Sheeran song, because it just means a lot to me with what my sister being a drug addict, etc.  
It's also just ****_so_** **gorgeous.  
The way he sings always makes me cry, except with his happy songs.  
I suggest you listen to this song if you haven't already.  
** **This fanfic will be a series of Ed Sheeran songfics (oneshots), from his albums '+' and 'x'.  
You can request a song by clicking that nice, tempting button with 'review' on it!**

...

…

…

 _I've been spinning out of time_

 _Couple women by my side_

He woke up yet another morning with an unknown girl next to him.  
This time it was a brunette.

He had a burning headache, making him dizzy as he tried to sit up.

He passed a hand through his greasy hair and scratched his stubbled chin.

On his nightstand stood a bottle.

 _I've got sinning on my mind_

 _Sipping on red wine_

He grabbed the bottle by its green neck and took a long sip, washing his mouth clean of the gross taste of vomit.

The girl was still unconscious, and he suspected she would be for a while. She had been quite wild the night before.

With a distressed mind he left for the living room.

…

…

…

 _I've been sitting here for ages_

 _Ripping out the pages_

The tears trickled down his cheeks and dripped down on his thighs.

There was a photo album on his lap, of which he slowly turned the pages.

She was there.

She was laughing.

Her eyes were shining.

He was laughing too, his arms around her.

And now it was all gone.

With a strangled cry he tore three pages out at once, watching the pictures flutter to the floor.

Her laughing face stared at her from the floor.

 _How'd I get so faded?_

 _How'd I get so faded?_

…

…

…

 _Oh no, no, don't leave me lonely now_

 _If you loved me how'd you never learn?_

She never learned, she always loved him, even though he betrayed her trust.

She was always so patient.

They were the perfect, messed up couple.

And now they were no more.

 _Oh, colour crimson in my eyes_

He gave up.

He broke.

His sight turned red, his hands clenched into fists.

A strangled shout left his throat as he hit, kicked and flipped whatever was in his reach.

He flipped over the coffee table, the picture frame that stood atop it flying across the room, the glass breaking as it hit the wall.

He tore a painting off the wall, flinging it as far away as possible.

He kicked the large glass vase with flowers and watched it break as water flowed from it.

And then he turned, moving to throw something else, but instead saw an opened flask of pills.

Pills with little smiley-faces on them.

 _One or two could free my mind_

...

…

…

 _This is how it ends_

 _I feel the chemicals burn in my bloodstream_

He drowned in the feeling he got, the sad images being wiped away from his distressed mind.

Instead he saw happiness, instead he kept seeing her.

Only she happy.

She was _there_.

And then he saw a memory he had almost forgotten, one of his best ones.

They had been alone in a room with a piano.

He had played for her, he had smiled with joy.

She had danced, let her body move to the music.

How gorgeous she was.

Her smile had his eyes glued to her.

He wanted to see her again, just like that.

He remember how she had gotten closer and closer, still dancing, until she was close enough to wrap her arms around his neck, still moving her body from side to side.

She had kissed his cheek, the smile permanent on both of their faces.

 _Fading out again_

And then it was gone—all gone.

 _I feel the chemicals burn in my bloodstream_

A flash: just her smile and her eyes

And then it was all gone, like his story was told again: the happiest moments of his life, then they were suddenly gone.

 _Tell me when it kicks in_

He swallowed another, hoping to see that smile that was slowly fading away.

 _Well, tell me when it kicks in_

…

…

…

 _I've been looking for a lover_

He went through woman after woman, like he used to before her.

None were the same like her, none were as gorgeous as she was, or as smart.

None had the sparkle in her eyes like she had when she smiled.

None of them could drown in their own world like she could—he always loved it like that, when she would ramble on about nothing at all, or how she would stare at one thing and just think.

 _Thought I'd find her in a bottle_

And eventually he had to give up and relive his memories.

Somehow, the only way he could do that without feeling the pain was by numbing his body.

With alcohol.

Even when his body was screaming for him to stop, he still went on.

He had to see her smile.

He drank.

He drank.

 _God, make me another one_

He drank.

 _I'll be feeling this tomorrow_.

…

…

…

 _Lord, forgive me for the things I've done_

He slammed the door shut as yet another one of his late-night lovers left his apartment.

 _I was never meant to hurt no one_

As the girl left crying, he couldn't help but see her face, her tear-stained cheeks.

He had done that to her.

…

…

…

 _I saw scars upon a broken hearted lover_

He had never meant to meet her, he had never meant to fall in love with her.

But he couldn't help but say 'hi' to her as he saw her crying on that bench in the park.

He was drawn to her.

…

…

…

 _Oh no, no, don't leave me lonely now_

He took another long sip, scrunching up his face as it burned down his throat.

 _If you loved me how'd you never learn?_

He saw her face with each sip that he took, he saw her tears and her smiles.

He saw _her_.

She had stuck with him through everything, and he gave pain and sadness in return.

 _Oh, colour crimson in my eyes_

He watched the blood pour down his arms, loving the colour of it against his pale skin.

The skin that had once been tan, the skin she had once loved.

 _One or two could free my mind_

He felt it, the sting kissing his skin, he felt the bad memories disappear—even if it was only for a second. He wanted them gone.

The blade kissed his skin again and again, he couldn't find it in himself to stop.

 _This is how it ends_

One deep cut over his wrist followed a long sip of a bottle.

He watched the blood drip down onto his crisp sheets.

 _I feel the chemicals burn in my bloodstream_

 _Fading out again_

The bad ones disappeared bit by bit, fading into nothingness before they returned again.

Then the good memories started fading, too.

But they always returned after a second or so.

That was why the blade was so addictive.

The few seconds in which they were gone were worth it.

 _I feel the chemicals burn in my bloodstream_

His sleeping pills kicked in, the ones of which he took too many.

Too many to count.

 _So tell me when it kicks in_

He closed his eyes.

 _Well, tell me when it kicks in_

He waited.

 _So tell me when it kicks in_

He waited for darkness to take him away, but for now he was stuck with the images of _her_ slowly fading away.

He heard her voice.

He heard his own.

He heard his mother's.

His father's.

His brother's.

His sister's.

He saw their faces, but the one in the middle was always hers.

Only hers.

 _All the voices in my mind_

 _Calling out across the line_

They were screaming.

 _All the voices in my mind_

 _Calling out across the line_

He screamed.

 _All the voices in my mind_

 _Calling out across the line_

It was all too loud.

 _All the voices in my mind_

 _Calling out across the line_

It was all too much.

 _All the voices in my mind_

 _Calling out across the line_

When would it stop?

 _All the voices in my mind_

 _Calling it across the line_

And then they all started screaming together.

Him, her, his father, his mother, his brother, his sister.

 _Tell me when it kicks in_

 _I saw scars upon her_

 _Tell me when it kicks in_

 _Broken hearted_

He heard them all but he saw only her.

 _Tell me when it kicks in_

 _I saw scars upon her_

 _Tell me when it kicks in_

 _Broken hearted_

He saw her tears

 _Tell me when it kicks in_

 _I saw scars upon her_

 _Tell me when it kicks in_

 _Broken hearted_

He saw her scars. The same scars he now had on his wrists. They matched.

 _Tell me when it kicks in_

 _I saw scars upon her_

 _Tell me when it kicks in_

 _Broken hearted_

Then it finally started to kick in.

The voices started becoming softer, yet hers was as clear as water.

 _Tell me when it kicks in_

 _I saw scars upon her_

 _Tell me when it kicks in_

 _Broken hearted_

And then he heard only her. She was saying his name.

 _Tell me when it kicks in_

 _I saw scars upon her_

 _Tell me when it kicks in_

 _Broken hearted_

Finally, he got to see her dance again while his fingers rushed over the keys of a piano.

 ** _Separated and reunited_**

 ** _Jonathan Herondale was recently found dead in his apartment, researchers say that his cause of death was an overdose of sleeping pills and blood loss due to the cuts on his arms and wrists.  
Jonathan was buried next to his dead girlfriend, Clarissa Morgenstern. Clarissa had died of suicide after having lived for 12 years with an abusive parent. Jonathan was also highly depressed and under influence of several types of drugs and alcohol. His depression was said to have started when Clarissa died. Finally, the two lovers are reunited. _**


	2. Chapter 2

**Even My Dad Does Sometimes**

 **A/N: I've been wanting to do this one for quite a while, regardless of the fact that I'm going to do a series of songfics. I've had the idea of a Clace cancer story in my mind for a quite a while, and I might even make this a story. Dunno.** ** _Click that nice, tempting review button to tell me which Ed Sheeran song you want next!_**

...

…

…

 _It's alright to cry_

Tears streamed down her cheeks as she was told the news.

His heart broke as he saw the hopelessness in her eyes.

''I'm terribly sorry.'' The doctor said.

As if that was going to help.

Jace wiped at his own eyes, before wrapping the petite woman in his arms. She was shaking.

Jace prayed to whoever was up there that she would make it this time, too.

Even though she had barely survived the last time she was diagnosed.

…

…

…

''I'm sorry.'' She whimpered to everyone in the room, as if the bad news was her fault.

Stephen wiped his eyes as Celine sobbed in his arms.

 _Even my dad does sometimes_

Isabelle ran at Clary, enveloping the redhead in her arms.

''It's not your fault, Clare.'' She sobbed.

Everyone was looking at Jace.

Everyone was silently giving him a message with their eyes.

They all knew, even he, that she probably wasn't going to make it this time.

And they all cried together.

…

…

…

 _So don't wipe your eyes_

They were sitting in bed, the messed up couple.

She was in his lap, her head in his neck.

She was breathing heavily.

''I'm sorry.'' She apologized again.

Because of her disease, they weren't able to go too far.

She had nearly passed out after they kissed a bit too wild.

''Stop apologizing.'' He mumbled, kissing the top of her head.

She was shaking.

''Jace…''

''Yeah?''

''I don't want to die.'' She moved to wipe her eyes.

'' _Tears remind you you're alive_.'' He told her, tears shining in his own.

…

…

…

They were asleep, cuddling in the small hospital bed.

Even though he was asleep, he felt it immediately, like a dog.

''Clary!'' He shouted.

 _It's alright to die_

She wasn't breathing.

''Help! Somebody help!''

Soon enough, doctors and nurses were all around him, trying to pull him away from her.

''No, I need to see her!''

 _'_ _Cause death's the only thing you haven't tried_

…

…

…

He sat in the waiting room, breathing heavily as he had a panic attack.

No one noticed how he was desperately gulping for breath while clenching his hands in his hair, tears pouring down his face like rain.

''Jace Herondale?'' He heard, distantly.

Suddenly, footsteps were rushing toward him vaguely.

He didn't really notice—all he could think about was his Clary, possibly dying.

She could be ripped away from him any moment, and he would be left powerless.

Tears flooded his eyes like a broken dam, never stopping.

They tasted salty on his tongue.

''Jace!'' And then they were grabbing him by his shoulders.

They were trying to pull him away from her again.

''No!'' He shouted.

''Jace, breathe! In and out!''

''No!'' He was losing it now, kicking and punching where he could.

''Get me some help out here!''

 _But just for tonight_

 _Hold on_

…

…

…

''Jace?'' Her voice was so small, so vulnerable.

His heart broke at the sight of her frail body lying in the bed, which was large compared to her.

Four months.

For four months already she had struggled with the disease, nearly losing twice.

For four months Jace had wrecked himself for her.

She was wearing a panda beanie, which looked adorable on her.

Yet he couldn't help but notice the dark circles beneath her eyes and her thin arms and legs.

He froze in the doorway, letting his eyes travel over her body.

Her eyes sparkled as she saw him.

Immediately she pushed the blankets off her, throwing her legs over the side.

Jace ran to her, holding her down.

''Don't get up, you don't want to overwhelm yourself.'' He calmed her, pushing her to lie down again.

They were silent for a while as Jace sat next to her on the bed.

It was a comfortable silence.

And then he noticed something was wrong.

And then she broke his heart.

 _So live life like you're giving up_

''Jace, you need to leave.'' She whispered, her voice cracking as tears fell onto her cheeks.

His mouth fell open as he just stared at her, not quite sure what to say.

''I don't want to hurt you.''

 _'_ _Cause you act like you are_

''Clary—''

''Can you do one thing for me before you leave?''

''Clary, I'm not leaving.'' He protested.

''Can you kiss me before you leave?'' She remained stubborn, her eyes were broken.

 _Go ahead and just live it up_

Slowly, he leaned down and kissed her, before opening his mouth to tell her that he wasn't leaving.

''Jace, I don't love you anymore.''

 _Go on and tear me apart_

…

…

…

He went home, even though he knew she wasn't speaking the truth.

She was only saying it to get him away from her.

Away from a time bomb, waiting to explode.

But he was a pyromaniac, he was addicted to her.

He would never leave.

…

…

…

 _It's alright to shake_

She was crying in his arms as he showed up again the next day, shaking as sobs racked through her body.

 _Even my hand does sometimes_

He was shaking, too. He was crying, too. He was broken, too.

''Jace, I don't want to leave you.''

''I don't want you to leave. But it's not our choice.''

 _So inside we rage_

''So why isn't it?! Why did this have to happen to _me_?''

 _Against the dying of the light_

He hugged her tense body closer.

And then she relaxed.

He hugged her sobbing body closer.

And then the sobs stopped.

He hugged her breathing body closer.

And then her breaths stopped.

…

…

…

He sat next to her sleeping body, hands covering his face as he cried.

A knock sounded on the door, and Alec walked in.

He didn't say anything, instead just walked to his broken best friend and laid a hand on his shoulder.

She was still sleeping, and wouldn't wake up soon.

Her beanie was still placed on her head.

Alec looked down at the diary that was laid on Jace's lap, reading one line out of it.

 _It's alright to say that death's the only thing you haven't tried_

The steady beeps of the heart monitor went on and on, reassuring Alec that he hadn't lost his best friend yet. That he would be able to heal if she was alive. And for now, she was.

 _But just for today_

Alec prayed that she could hold on for somewhat longer.

That she could convince him to leave.

That she could convince him to save himself before it was too late.

 _Hold on_

…

…

…

 _So live life like you're giving up_

''I don't want the stupid treatment, I just want to go home!'' She was screaming, crying.

She got her hands on the nightstand, which she flung at the door.

The four people watched as the nightstand fell apart against the wall.

She got her hand on a vase, which she flung at the window, successfully breaking both.

 _'_ _Cause you act like you are_

''Clary—'' Simon started, trying to calm her.

Instead she just flung her adorable panda beanie at him.

''I don't want this anymore! Why can't they just get it over with? Why can't they just _let me die_!?''

 _Go ahead and just live it up_

They were all tired, they were all sad.

They were all angry and frustrated.

They all noticed how she was broken.

They all noticed how she was breathing heavily, how blood dripped out of her nose.

How her breathing stopped.

 _Go ahead and tear me apart_

 _Hold on_

…

…

…

They were all there, all watching her sleep.

Jocelyn, Luke, Jonathan, Isabelle, Simon, Alec.

Jace.

They were watching her sleep.

A sleep she would most likely not wake up from.

 _So live life like you're giving up_

…

…

…

The heart monitor was still beeping, a sound which relieved them all.

If only she would wake up.

''She's not responding to anything.'' The doctor fed their hopelessness.

 _'_ _Cause you act like you are_

…

…

…

Only Jace was in the room.

He sat next to her on the bed, holding her hand.

The rest was in the downstairs café, eating.

 _Go ahead and just live it up_

Her hand twitched in his, her eyes moving frantically under her closed eyelids.

''Jace…'' She whispered, the heart monitor speeding up.

Tears leaked out of the edge of her eyes.

'I love you.' Her lips shaped the words, her voice not working along with her in her deep sleep.

 _Go on and tear me apart_

He screamed, he shouted, he cried and sobbed.

The moment—the sound he had dreaded finally sounded through the room.

A long, unwavering beep.

…

…

…

 _And hold on_

…

…

…

And then she opened her eyes.

…

…

…

''Congratulations, the results are back. You're able to go home, Clary. You're okay.''

...

...

...

Two years later, her name was changed to Clarissa Adele Herondale.

Three years after that, at 23 years old, she was officially in remission.

One year after that, Jordan Christopher Herondale was born, along with his twin sister Cecily Isabella Herondale.

 **A/N: At first I thought about being cruel and making her die, but I would end up crying in my bed while my mother facepalmed. Sooo I wrote this instead.**

 ** _Click that nice tempting review button and tell me which song next!_**

 **Waffle on!**


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